Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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