I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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