I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
i think i just lost a toe
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
