Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
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