nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
