dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
