I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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