don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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