My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
