i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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