I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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