I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
