based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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