The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
