season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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