Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
