Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
