Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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