My liver just broke up with me...
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
