I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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