Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
