He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
All I want is dick and wine.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
