I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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