literally had 100 drinks last night.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
