i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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