my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Randomize
