The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
