Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
