Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
