and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
