2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
