We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
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