I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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