Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
