it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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