Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
