So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
