and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
