apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
