That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
He did a backflip because drugs
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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