Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
