i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My liver just had a heart attack.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
