You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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