I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I forgot wine drunk hurts
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
