I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think I sprained my soul last night
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
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