It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
