she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
