I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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