Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
