a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
