She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
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