Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just googled if crying burns calories
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize