hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
