Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
