My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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