I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Soap is not a condiment
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
so much tequila, so little girl.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize