genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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