You can't special order awesome
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
