i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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